The Five Best Ways to Fail at Fundraising

Not everyone loves money. In fact there are hundreds and hundreds of mosdos in Brooklyn alone that hate it and have incorporated many corporate practices to ensure that gelt stays where is belongs - in the donor's pocket.

For those of you that want to escape the inevitable success that responsible fundraising brings, I have compiled this handy list of the five best ways to fail at fundraising.

Get Emotionally Involved:  Blame every setback on your own personal faults. Take every "no" as a personal rejection and an insult to everything you believe in. Start looking shtilerheit in to getting a real estate license.

Let the Donor Read Your Mind: The best kept secret is that donors are telepathic - they can read your mind. Give your donors great service, but never ask them to support your mossad or mention anything about your needs. They can and will read your mind, and one day - one day! - surprise you with an outstanding donation.



Cut Your Losses: Did that balebatisher yid just write you a check for chai?! Did the gvir just push off your appoint again?! Forget them. They're worthless and will never be worth anything to you and your shlichus. If they cared, they would have given you an "Art Museum" quality check instead of throwing you these worthless matbeyes.

Give... or the Kid Get's It!: The most convincing appeal is one that's based on pure, unadulterated panic. Make sure the donor understands that your world is crumbling, and that his immediate, large donation is the only thing that stands between the Quad-County Chabad House and the end of Judaism.

Procrastinate: Nothing is more important in fundraising than caution. Make sure you are intimately aware of all the reasons to avoid visiting, calling and soliciting anyone in your rolodex. Only make a move when conditions are totally, totally perfect. Otherwise, you'll be sunk.

These are the Five Best, but there are plenty, plenty more. Know of any?